writing follow up.

Narrative  

this week for writing we had to write a narrative about a topic of our choice, after we wrote our narrative we had to fill in a rubric, here is my follow up for this week. 

Journey to the mysterious island 

It was a normal weekend morning for Damo. The sun was rising and he had to get out of bed to go to his step dad's house. Not that he wanted to go there. When he arrived there he said his hello’s then went to the guest room down the hallway, he looked to the right and he could see a staircase leading to the basement, he slowly walked up to the staircase and tiptoed up the stairs it was dark and dusty and he couldn’t see a thing. The only thing that he could see was a bright yellow string, he pulled the string and all of the lights turned on. I saw at the back of the room there was a piece of paper sitting on a large container, so the first thing that I did was go run over to the piece of paper. When I picked it up I thought it was boring, it just had a map on it. but then I flipped it over and it said, follow this map into the danger and you will be surprized with something you will never forget. 

I rushed down stairs and told everyone but none of them believed me they thought that it was a load of garbage so I knew that the only people that would believe me was my friends so that's what I did I told them that I was just going for a walk but really I was going to my friends house down the road. I made sure that the map was in my pocket, and off I went. When I got to there house the first thing was his friends mum asked “are you aloud to be there”  from instinct I said “ of course I am”

She looked me dead in the eyes and replied “ okay”. I walked up to my friends room and he said “what are you doing here” replied “your not going to believe this” he said “WHAT IS IT”  I found a map at my step dad's house and it leads to somewhere awesome “cool but we won’t be aloud to go you know our parents” thats why were going to sneak out. 

I heard my mum walk in the door. I said to my mate Debbie we got to go out the window and we went as fast as we could. We knew we were going to get caught if we didn’t do anything so we hid in the bush and hoped they didn’t see us, “that's weird they were right here” my mum answered “ damo said he was going for a walk, so that's where he is going to be besides he’ll be home soon. 

So off we went, we needed to find a way to the island, so that's what we did. We found a way to the mysterious island, but it looked like a pretty dodgy helicopter driver, we needed to pay him $1000 dollars, and that's a lot of money for us. We put all of our savings together and meet the money goal. So we went on the helicopter, it was so fun. But then got lost in a giant storm, there was lightning every turn we were terrified, but then I reached in my pocket and there was the map, on the back of the map it said go into the danger and we were on top of where we needed to be so the helicopter driver let go of the steering wheel and we went down it was about 5 minutes of straight falling then we made it but the helicopter didn’t we were stranded on a island with know way to get back….

The helicopter driver said to me “this is all your fault, you better be paying me a lot extra” I said if there is a way back. So we started looking for a way back, we were walking in the giant grass since we are the first people to ever set foot on this place and suddenly we started getting attacked. They had this blow gun that had darts inside, it hit my friend debbie in the neck. She hit the ground fast.  The next thing that I knew we woke up in a lodge with heaps of weird looking people that looked like cavemen, we asked them “who are you”, then the question came straight back at us “ who are you” we said we were looking for a mysterious island and we fell into a storm and now were here, “is there a way to get back we said” they replied “ yes but know “, what do you mean “we mean that there is a way but everyone that went on the adventure to find the way out has never returned. 

Well then that is going to change tomorrow we are going to find a way out of here, “well that's on you we are not going to help you on this adventure because we do not want to die and if you are going to do it you need to get some sleep so that's what we did we laid our heads down and fell asleep, in the morning we woke up to a giant alarm, everyone was running around, i asked my roommate they said that they do this every morning to get people in a good mood, I replied “if i lived here it would put me in a opposite mood.We were getting ready for the adventure of our lives, we just had a feed and we were feeling good. We were walking for ages and we found a temple and the map that the caveman looking people gave us said that you had to go inside the temple, so that is what we did  we tiptoed into the temple as quietly as we could we were terrified, but we didn’t care we needed to get out of here. So that's what we did, we slowly walked into the temple.

It was pitch black in the temple but luckley form the survival pack on the helicopter had a flashlight in it, so that is what we used for light. There was three different ways we all went a different way I went in the middle debbie went on the right and wilson went on the left we could all here each other through the wall until debbie went silent at the end of me and wilson’s tunnels and we meet up with each other, but where was debbie. We heard a loud scream coming from the other tunnel, we ran as fast as we could and there was a giant bird protecting the map that showed how to get out. There were dead bodies all around it, that's why knowone came back because the bird got them. We need to find a way to get out of here and get that piece of paper, suddenly all of the people from the camp they blew their dart guns and the bird fell to the ground, the ground started to shake “that's why know one came back because they needed more fire power to take it down that makes so much sense now. We looked at the map and it had a plane on it. We started to make our way to the plane and we said to them you should come with us and make history. They replied “no we need to protect this place with our lives so nothing can destroy it. We were on the plane and we said to each other what a good adventure, at least we are going to make all of our money back that we lost on the way probably even more, they all lived happily ever after and had the best time of their lives. We were sawing through the sky like an eagle. 

what do you think about my narrative?